My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
