So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize