The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
