Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
