my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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