I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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