Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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