You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
