I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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