There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
