i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let's paint friendship bongs
3pm strippers are depressing
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
