I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
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I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
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I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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