she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
