I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
