And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
As shirtless as possible
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
