The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
