i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
