I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
