i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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