You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
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All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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