New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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