I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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