I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
