I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
