so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She just used a chaser for red wine.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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