There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
