3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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