Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
