I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
