Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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