if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I still have a little drunk in my system
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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