So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
