i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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