a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
