just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize