I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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