You really coming over, don't trick.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
