I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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