I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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