Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
His nipple licking is glorious
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