i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
