Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
