sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
