I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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