drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
