my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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