Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I am one with the molecules
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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