I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
