I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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