i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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