The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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