i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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