Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
