how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
