Jerry, you need to find god
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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