apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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