3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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