Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
